Ominous Rumors: December 2008

Monday, December 22, 2008

Insert the Flat, Metal End into the Buckle & Pull on the Loose Strap to Tighten.

You are looking at the Panet Waves 'Dare' Guitar Strap. It was introduced back in January of 2007 but don't be too surprised if Slash isn't wearing one on your latest edition of Guitar Hero. Designed by Troy Dare, the strap is intended for use by the shredder and novice alike who suffer chronic back pain. While it may relive the erksome ache that comes with hanging heavier instruments off a single shoulder, surely those with spinal issues deserve a guitar strap that downplays their struggle and doesn't seek to mock their painful physical afflictions. The bottom line here is that you'll definitely be a strong contender in the 'Harness Rock' category at the Grammys but can it also be used to abseil down the Cliffs of Dover?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

An Open Letter to the Music Industry

Dear Music Industry,
Tony T. here. I know that we haven't spoken in a while, bust rest assured that I have been keeping close tabs on you. After last year's pathetic attempt at recording music, I was ready to write you off. You've since won me back though, with some very stellar releases in 2008.
My reason for writing you is that I have a bone to pick. I have been one of your strongest supporters over the years. Back in 2000, when teenagers the world over began stealing whatever music they wanted from file sharing sites, I was there standing behind you. (Well ok, it was me and a short Danish drummer from a highly prominent metal band) I have continued to purchase cds over these past 8 years, while the sales of said discs declined each year. I fought the popular trends in the name of cover art and the album as a singular creative work.
Just this morning, frustrated with not being able to find physical copies of discs in retail stores, I downloaded my first purchase ever, instead of the actual disc. I feel like a pathetic sellout, but you made this happen. It's true that you share the blame with many others, but you owed me.
So now I am forced to live my musical life like so many others, destined to view album liner notes through .pdf files. I will still continue to try to get my hands on discs whenever possible, but you have allowed them to break me. You are weak, sad, and pathetic.

Now just one like so many others,
Tony T.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Christmas Gift For You....

My esteemed colleague Mr. Scott made a glaring omission from his list of top Christmas albums. There is no better Christmas album than "A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector". This is not an argument. There is no other side to support. Johnny Mathis & Bing Crosby are fine and all, but when you want to step up to the plate with the big boys, you look no further than Phil's stable of girl groups. This album IS Christmas. The Spector "wall of sound" is one of the most recognizable production techniques in pop history, and he blends it into Christmas standards as if they were always meant to be that way. This is the only Chrsitmas album that I turn to when the Calendar hits December.

Let us all remember at this time of year, that all Christmas wishes can come true. Even a girl like this:

Will marry a guy like this:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bring the Boys Back Home.

As a Brit, I can imagine no better birthday gift from No. 10 than having the UK combat forces returned from service in Iraq. Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today an end to the six-year occupation saying that the majority of military troops would be home by late July '09. Unfortunately, the withdrawl from such a senseless conflict will come a little too late for at least 136 families.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

C. Scott's Essential Xmas Hits!

Put aside your Harry Connick Jr. Holiday album this year. Leave your Amy Grant Christmas record firmly on the shelf. Tell Josh Groban No-el! Here's the perfect soundtrack for pruning your yule log. Novelty antlers are compulsory.